 Currently 16 going 17 July 11th, 1992 TPJCian Ex-Queenstownian Ex-Fairsian Elemental Muse
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1:07 AM +-+Copy.jpg) Results dropped. Studies deproved. Performance worsened. Fear aroused. Stress took control.
Weak Concentration Time-span. Distractions EVERYWHERE! Good old Grief. What's the point of worrying?! START CRACKING!! Work O.T. Cold Summer Night. Quiet Conversations Window. Silent Dialogues. Alone in the dark. I'm missing you. Friday, February 29, 20088:19 PM Just watched a movie with her. "P.S. I Love You.". A Summary of the movie taken from gv.com.sg: Holly Kennedy (Hilary Swank) is beautiful, smart, and married to the love of her lifea passionate, funny and impetuous Irishman named Gerry (Gerard Butler). So when Gerrys life is taken by an illness, it takes the life out of Holly. The only one who can help her is the person who is no longer there. Nobody knows Holly better than Gerry. So its a good thing he planned ahead - by leaving her a list of tasks revealed in 10 monthly messages that are intended to ease her out of grief and transition her to a new life.
The flim, especially the first scene reminded me of my many depressing past. Quote, "we won't last.". That's what someone said, countless times. One year of patience, torture, confusion, tame. ONE YEAR and counting! And suddenly, a new person came into my life. She got really amused by everything I do, became a very vital part of my aimless life and kills me, indirectly, in my relationship life. "You'll like me for a day, and start loving another the next." I was confused inside me. But I decided to act as if nothing had happened outside. Day-by-day, it continues to kill me, silently. The wound got deeper. I WANT TO SHOUT! I WANT THOSE AROUND ME TO KNOW HOW PAINFUL THIS IS! I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS!!! This situation that have been emptying all that's in me. She loves me. And I knew that. Can you not keep quiet when I want to show concern for you. Yes, I'm an attention seeker. And so are you.Can you not pretend when I'm here to listen to your sorrows. Can you cry out to me when you're in need. Can you not lean to the right when I'm at your left for you. Can you not pretend that I'm not there when we're together. I want attention from you, but I also want to give you my attention. So why can't you allow me to? I love you too. And I know you knew it all along. My shoulder's for you when you're sad. My arm's for you when you aren't secure. My ear's for you when you are depressed. My mind's for you all the times when you're away. Though I've my "O"s this year, I will still try my best to be with you. BUT I HATED REJECTION AND YOU TOO KNEW IT. So why can't you just spare me a thought and stay with me during our very limited times together. Sleepless nights, avoids, silence, and not being able to let go the past got me deeper into hell. I NEED TO STAND UP! I know I MUST. And I WILL, slowly. But I need you. To get out of all this depth. To assist me in achieving my goals. To stay by side when I'm in need. +-+Copy.jpg) For that someone whom loved me but have never allowed us to be together: No matter how many rejection you've said, no matter how bad you've treated me in the past, no matter how mad at me you may be, you'll still be my good friend. To Yvonne: For the fact that I can get out of it and be myself again. YOU CAN GRAB YOURSELF TOGETHER AND FACE THE DIFFICULTIES UP AHEAD!! Monday, February 25, 20089:47 PM  Behind every good things, there's a bad side to it. Just like the saying, "Roses have Thorns".February 21st, Thursday. WHAT A DAY TO REMEMBER. Why must everything just go against everyone?! Portable-Flagstaff not being able to stand properly, Class Decoration going haywire, Family car down and not repaired.. Is it because the Feng1 Shui3 today is just not as good? Or is it because it's just a day of bad-luck. OR IS IT OUR FAULT THAT IT'S LIKE THAT?! All in all, Everything's just so SUCK-ED UP today. Today started off like any other day. Waking up slightly later then 6am, went to school, got stucked with additional mathematics, tired of Civil and Moral Education, and got miraculously interested in Chemistry. Maybe it's fated to turned out like this. Everything around me just went haywire. The scouts all are gathered at the school's porch at 1530 immediately after their respective remedials WITHOUT Lunch. Mr 'L' and Mr 'C', two of the scout teachers came to me. L, "Can I see all the CLs and ACLs for a short while?" Me, "Of course you can!" L, "Now i will distribute the work." Me, "There's no need to do that, Ms 'W' done it all...." L, "Okay then so be it." Me, "BUT I WANNA READ THE SCRIPT!!!" L, "Nope we'll follow as plan." Me,"..." L, "Now for this year we must keep the flagstaff's design simple." Me, "oh no." L, "I will talk to Mr 'C' about it..." C, "Yeah we'll execute the nice one After P.R.I.M.E." Me, "WHAT?!" C, "Yeah. Your design is complicated!" Me, "NO?! It's just 3 pieces fitted together!" C, "Miracles don't happen in our troop. Not all's as talented as you okay." Me, "But but, PRIME will only be over 2 YEARS AFTER I GRAUDATE!!" C, "You will come back as ventures right?" L, "yeah, the troop will need people like you to survive." Me, "..." (roll eyes) Me to myself, "I WANT MY LIFE!" The scouts are supposed to construct 2 portable flagstaff in the school's parade square. Given the parade square's space constrain because of the renovation of the school (P.R.I.M.E.), we must restrict the base area of our 2 flagstaffs to be 1.5m by 1.5m instead of the usual 4m by 4m, supporting one 4.5m flagstaff. And since the design is allowed to be fancy, I came out with this "Inverted flagstaff" design for founder's day, and that I'm 200% sure of whether it will work since our troop had tried it once before on the "inverted-tripod" design. .jpg) Inverted-Tripod Design .jpg) Proposed Founder's day Flagstaff I worked out the proportion to be alright and that the mounding would be able to support the suspending-flagstaff to stand on it's own without much problem. And I submitted the design to the teachers for approval on Monday before Assembly. Little did I know something will really go wrong. Upper Secondary's Sports Heats came really sudden on Wednesday. Benjamin and I too has Music lessons so we proposed a rehearsal on Tuesday and were turned down by the Guides' teacher in-charge ON TUESDAY ITSELF. I can do nothing, but to accept their decision. I always hear this every training i go, "One must listen to their leader to get things done and not by insisting on one's idea.". So I kept really quiet. Wondering what to do, if anything will go wrong, and hoping that they won't alarm me with last minute arrangements (that's what they are famous for). And that's what they did. The teachers gathered and spoke to us after we took the poles and got ready our equipments to construct the flagstaffs at 1600hours. They changed the design at the last minute with the excuse of "time and space constrains". I've no idea why but i knew it all along that that thing WON'T STAND. I persuaded them to allow us to carry on my design since it's simple and easy, and they just insised rigidly on their "OLD design". Oh well. WHY CAN'T THEY PUT THEIR EXCUSES IN THEIR OWN DESIGN AND THINK AGAIN?! It stood. However, they are not up to standards. Reconstructions and Humiliation came and go. I have nothing to say except that it wasn't my idea for this to happen. The proposed "Suspended Flagstaff" design now Amazingly turned into a "FLOATING-BASE STRUCTURE". .jpg) THEIR "IMPRESSIVE" Structure's Base. One of my partner told me to climb that structure like how we did in "Sour-grapes" Scout Competition in order to retie the fallened Clove Hitch. *WOW! What a nice idea.* With nothing else in mind except to end this early, I did. It worked! The guideline didn't slipped off in the end and we earned yet another humiliation from Mr 'H', one of the NCC teachers. Quote Mr 'H', " You scouts behaves like girls! SO GAY!" Deep in my heart, I'd really like to run up to the second floor and give that barstard a tight slap and reply, "SO ARE YOUR NCCs, eg: ZEUS!" I DON'T NEED SUCH A COMMENT. But I kept silent and carried on with my job upon recalling on the lecture of Forgiveness during CME before that. +-+Copy.jpg) Mr 'H' and his 2 other colleagues talking about the Scouts. Left school at 1900 with "F U Queenstown!" ever repeating in my mind. Met Jiu Ying and Mun Yee on the way back. They too had problems with the class decorations. I had no idea what exactly happened, so i will just hope that it'll still be as presentable as before alright. Reached home and found out that the Family's car too are facing some mechanical problems too. I've long placed all the humliation today aside upon the thought of the ending day. =) And so is it the right thing to do? No comments yet! =P What a day! Thursday, February 21, 20087:28 PM .jpg) School, one of the most hectic place on Earth. EVER.Studies are somewhat a mixture of boredom and fun, confusions and proudness. Never ending math problems, language's fill-in-the-blanks, science's solutions, humanse essays, music history, and many more. Sometimes it'll even gets really exciting when the answers are just a few steps or the conclusions a few words away. Temporary satisfaction's will then be brought to one after years of hardwork. Is it worth it? CCA, or Co-Curriculum Activities, are meant to gives a student to practise their "leadership skills" by planning and executing activities for their juniors, and perhaps, have a break from all the rubbish work given during curriculum time. Are you sure?! Stress, illness, headache, MCs, responsibilities starts to fill one's life as they grew older in this ever changing education system. Syllabus changes every alternate year with exam dates brought forward every year. Importance of CCA increases every day with many getting sick of it as every hour passes. Classrooms, a place where it was once filled with very interested and chubby kids, is now a much colder and hated place to be in. One's social circle expands faster then the ever expanding universe, collaspes faster then the speed of light, and can even hurt one like a meteorite. Competitions between students to be the best got surprisingly tensed, and conflicts between students therefore grew tenser with every minute that passes. Shouts and quarrels increases within students as they stood further away from each other. Students losing control of their lifes as graduation neared. Schoolwork, CCA, friends and outside-school activities started pulling them apart. Clashes are common. Sacrifies are necessary to piorities every aspect of study-life. CCA kills one indirectly with "it's for your own CCA points" as excuse. A chance for proud teachers to bully weaker students, forcing them to contribute off their limits. Teachers regularly self-praise themselves, taking their student's hardwork as theirs and lecture students for coming up with any work that's considered "not-well-done". Students' cries are oftenly not heard or ignored. Just what's exactly wrong with the education policy in Singapore. Or is it the school's at fault. Lazy staffs with and extremely unreasonable teachers. Students left alone in the dark, pressurized by the stress of schoolworks and the confusions of CCA responsibilities while teachers watched and laughed at students sorrows. I need a break. Sorry if I've stereotyped schools, teachers and the education system. I've absolute no intention of doing that. Of course there are some very good teachers among us, but what I've stated above were things that have happened or are happening to some of the students here. Monday, February 18, 200812:43 AM .jpg) Just like the Sun rises from the East and sets at the West, like how humans started talking to each other in the past, and perhaps like how love can take over one's life.
I should have known. It's already a habit to place the left and right ear-pieces together when i pack my things. I should have known that ear-pieces are made using magnets that repell each other. Just by putting two ear-pieces together can cause damage to both of them. The cold night have taken my toes. The wind picked up again, this time stronger then usual. I stood at the deserted corner outside, alone. My ear-pieces dropped. Once again, silence and darkness roamed my heart. I stared into blank space. An impressionistic art piece lie flat infront of me. Splatted with colourful poke-dots below with a paper-thin cloud above. Everything was perfect till i see the dark side of the picture. That dark, cold, empty side of the picture brought back many countless memories. I need to do something! I sat on razor-sharp grass, and blood from the heart ooze out of the body like a river of water raging down it's upper course. Pain from within worsened when a knife from elsewhere penetrates the already dying heart. From Zeus, FW-ed message.
"Sorry to disturb. Tell cx to shut up. And this is my way of replying him, by having you as my messenger. Tell him at least I have my rights to choose a friend." Nevermind. It's okay. I can bear with the pain. I don't need medication. I don't need other's help. But I want the World to know, I AM HERE! I don't bother about my social status. I don't care who I am with, where I am. I DON'T EVEN GIVE A DARN TO WHETHER MY LIFE's AT STAKE. The D.I.S.C. personality test concludes that I have a type "I" personality. The test was apparently inaccurate. I lost hope to other prediction tests. But my mindset changed when i saw the fear-factor. "Type "I" Greatest Fear : REJECTION" What do I want? A normal friendship! Valentines' day is nothing but a normal day that comes and go. I don't ask for whatever likes nor love. I didn't even ask for physical contact. I seek nothing else but a pair of listening ear and an encouraging mouth. God is good. =) He helps you in everything you do that will glorify his name in a way or another.
Steading when one's still underage will be a reason why people kept breaking and are never together again. He took them away. One-by-one, they left me, in the darkness, alone. Lost, confused. Not knowing what to do next. Can i forget them and pretend nothing had ever happened? Thoughts of wanting the nice time with Friends and not God, floats up to the surface of my mind, and I did exactly that. The song “月牙弯” by F.I.R. started ringing in my mind. "看..月牙湾下的泪光 在丝路之上被遗忘 是谁的心啊 孤单的留下 他还好吗 我多想爱他 那永恒的泪 隐藏那一句话 也许可能蒸发" Why is this happening. No one knows. No one can explain. How much I wish i can find an answer to it. I wanted nothing. Except for only one. I need someone. One who can accept me for who i am. One who can understand me. One who can be my friend. Friday, February 15, 20089:11 PM Talking about the up and coming 'O's, students from all over South-East Asia who are taking the same paper, facing the exact same amount of stress, workload, laziness, will respond similarly here... So I came out with this stupid riddle in chinese. 课上不听课，不想做功课。猜一个字 --- SIAN! Yes it may seems dumb to all, but yeah. It's still true to a certain extend. Isn't it? There you have it, my nice cousin, aiming very high. Then again, what if you didn't managed to achieve it. YOU WILL BE DEPRESSING YOURSELF BY THEN!! S, "Aim for ACJC okay? If not then we go poly." Me, "hmms... Okay.. AC is very near my place!" *I board the bus* Me, "8 points lehh!!!! Okay.. Let's slack this CNY then chiong immediately after that. Okay?" S, "Yeah. 8 points very tough! But can do it. Everyday mug. On Friday we bring E math and do together! HAHA! Cos that's the only sub with the most common syllabus. Me, "Friday? New year leh.. Tomorrow tomorrow. I don't like to work during festive seasons." Gee.. That will so be like a E-Math Marathon... =( I HATE MATH!!! Okay.. i like it but, not too much of it. =) Sometimes i DON'T agree with Teachers, thinking that they are smart, smart enough to predict every pupil's results by just doing some stupid, inaccurate test, eg: DISC. K (form teacher), "Who has a C personality in our class?" Zhao Wei, Simon, etc raised their hands. K, "Okay. You see class, they will be those whom will most likely score and do well for their Os, unlike those type Is who will go talking and wasting time. You guys must learn from them you know! Past years 4C did very badly because they are rebellious, slack, had bad-attitude, and so on. You know class, I don't want to embarrass you all, but just want to tell you that 4A and 4B are doing very well as compared to you. Just that your class is a good-friend of 4D, that have been influencing you to not study, that's why you do badly. Learn from those C people if you want to do well okay!" Me (thought to myself), "NOT FAIR!! I'm one of those who topped and got GPA and Eagles. And who am I? a TYPE "I"!!! What's exactly wrong with t'cher. Biasness? Or is it not?" Chinese New Year is just round the corner... SLACK NOW!! CHIONG later.. =D Tuesday, February 5, 2008ISA TSD Practical MYE Assessment'o9 TPJChoir
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