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Designer: Chenxing
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 Currently 16 going 17 July 11th, 1992 TPJCian Ex-Queenstownian Ex-Fairsian Elemental Muse |
11:07 PM .jpg) Was about to have my dinner when my phone started singing that familiar tune...And I had no appetite after that. "Hi Melvin, WenBin, the WHOLE TROOP is EXPECTED to turn up for NPC tomorrow, 1230h outside the school gate. Returning bus at 1700h." - 29 November 2008 1926h, you-know-who.
frustrated; leave me alone. Saturday, November 29, 200811:25 PM  And so, everything progressed too quickly as usual. I was still slacking at home yesterday, mastering the art of rotting... And... Out of the Blue... I stumbled across so much work! I need a breather!Okay. I must admit. This isn't as bad as the O' level preparation periods. Now that's what I call, taxing. This should be FUN!! =p Friday, November 28, 200811:17 PM  To prevent any misconceptions to why did I reject your offer for that survey. I'm writing this in the hope that you'd understand how I felt, and what's going on in my mind, so that you wouldn't take it as a form of rejection but, a form of concern.I knew that you meant well by offering the survey to me. You wanted me to have the best that I can achieve, and to benefit from whatever sources there are around me. Deep thoughts ran through my mind and i swore that agreeing was my very first idea, but it just wasn't what I concluded. I, too, wants you to get the best. I'm a person who can't control his emotions and so, his expressions. The will to get into a JC in me is very strong. But the fact that the surveys related to education, and thus making me lie, saying that I'd rather go to a lousy polytechnic course, placed me in a very difficult position. The need to provide our actual identities may also threaten my position as a student when it comes to promotion. That's when I thought "what if the survey really made me lose the chance of getting whatever I want" comes in. Religious teachings also mentioned quite a fair bit about lying being a sin. Now my conscious sets in. I can't go against it! It's worsened when the thought of "there's no free lunches on Earth" flashed through my head. It's just beyond my nature to do so. You're the person who invited me to this, and I don't want to vent my anger on you if anything wrong happens. I don't want to hurt any more people around me because of my inability to control my emotions. Most importantly, I don't want you to be hurt. It's not because I don't trust you nor anything else. I trust that you want the best for me. You want me to earn the money. But it's also because of you and my principle that paved my life, the things that stopped me from accepting the offer. I don't want that peanut sum of S$75 when I know I'd have the potential to hurt another self, especially if my victim's you. I will not take the risk. No way am I going to. It's been 4 days and counting. The silence is unbearable. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, I'd beg to differ. The past 4 days have been terribly spent alone. Struggling with my inner-self, trying to figure out what have happened. Messages unreplied, calls unanswered. My heart's dampened with concerns and remorse. I need you back in my life. Will you answer my calls? Wednesday, November 26, 200810:38 PM .jpg) YES. That's where I wanna be- Over their heads; out of their control. After putting in much effort to get rid of the ridicule the troop's facing under the charge of the previous skipper (scout overall teacher in-charge), another problem arises soon after. Mr L, "Hi Chenxing, Zhenghao, and Sihao. How are you? For your info, we'll be going to Sarimbun Camp on Wednesday, 2pm and Thursday, 9am for NPC. Next week, KC and Jeffrey would also be conducting sailing revision and also the Chief Commision sailing test. Join us as Ventures. Please call me for more info. Hope to see you guys." ... ... ... ... Mr L,"Please help to relay the sms to Wingkit, Ben Liew, Kin Hong, Melvin Ng, Ben Wee, and Jehian. Thank you."- 25 November 2008, 2056h.
Seriously, what's the point of stepping down; what's the point of leaving; what's the point of joining scouts in the first place. Borned a servant; grew up as an assistant; enjoyed boys' brigade; ventured into scouts since boys' brigade isn't available - and who am I now? I learnt the art of acting, or rather, taming. In lame-man terms; a boot-licker. Scouts have taken all of me, filled me with unpleasant memories, and gave me a great deal of cca points and an admirable rank. And since, I've gotten what I have always wanted, it's time to say goodbye. The taming must stop. I must wash my hands off scouting, and I'm not gonna allow it to take my life. My character haven't changed. As pure as ever. I admit. I love to climb, and take control. But this is too much. As long as there's anyone above me, I'd want them down. Otherwise, I'll have an axe to grind behind all that I do. My perserverance and determination attitude brought me some achievements. But no doubt, it's the game that had allowed all these additional positive remarks. I love to kill (not literally - it's more like sacking people below if I find them useless), but I can't reject. I don't know how to say "no"! I'm a total failure in this field. Why? That's the only side of me that exposes the warm-blooded inner me when I'm not supposed to be! Rejection; teach me how to. I hate my inability to execute such a simple action. Must scout continue to stay in my mind, for eternity? Must scout be always attached to me, emtionally, physically, and psychologically? Must I continue to live my life in total darkness - the world of cold-bloodedness? I need to say no. Tuesday, November 25, 20083:29 PM +-+Copy.jpg) New day; great day! Miracles do come by, prayers do get answered. Why is everything so perfect recently?! Progressions for everything is just SO FAST!! And what's best. Brenda's so-called "prophecies" are all coming true. Things are all going out of the ordinary. Enemies to buddies. Dead relationships to chatting mates. I just can't stop going,"WOW!" The rain had sprung new life in the reserves, and blooming flowers had ripped off all the gloominess in my world. All things seems to appear bright and beautiful! It's only a night that changed everything. How am I supposed to tell that it's all true? I was trying my best to rationalize all the weird thoughts I have had - everything that I've heard and felt. How's all these possible without something guiding it?! Something that can change the way a person behaves, ask, do, and everything you can think off! I felt it, heard it, seen it, and... It's all unexplainable! Shall I start accepting the unseen World around us? No doubt I should! It's... Just there for me to believe! It's a night to remember. I have never felt anything like this before.
Friday, November 21, 200811:18 PM +-+Copy.jpg) Fling after flings; game after games.
Countless friendships affected since it ever began. Victims of relationships, scattered everywhere. - Is what she said, all correct? It was near midnight when I left the town. Alone, I walked through the deserted alley behind the streets. Memories, good and bad, flashed before my very eyes. What on Earth had happened to me? Oh. What will she do; what will she say? What have I done wrong that guilt's making me think that way?! Oh. How will she feel; how will she react? Can anyone rip the agony off the helpless heart mine? "Talk to her! Consult her!" Hey! What's wrong with you people?! "Patch up again! Reconcile with her!" Man I tell you. It's easier said than done. Isolated, in a World of my own. Tormented by never-ending nonsense like these. But what can I do to given a life like this? Open my eyes, so that i could see, the vast open skies, right above me. Then help me soar, high up above the clouds. Like an eagle, roaring majestically up the border-less skies. But if one day, everything's gonna go wrong in my life, All I'll need - is you by my side. Monday, November 17, 200811:11 PM  And then again, everything was over. The day that everyone's waiting for had arrived. But so what! Smiles of joy, and tears of laughters. Inevitable as they may seems, were gone in lesser than a split of a second. Left with a shell to live in. What can I do with this holiday that lasts for seemingly forever. Spending it in solitude may be a good choice though.Okay. Why am I here talking craps. Don't cross my bridge before I ever come to it! Today. O level Science (physics / chemistry) paper, also the LAST paper for O levels (for me at least). I was going bonkers when I found out that I lost 2 marks in the 40 marks paper. Whatever it was. In a blink of an eye, I've completed ALL 22 papers for O levels! Rushed to Clarence Vile to meet her. Can't believe we compared answers all the way till we reached Redhill Station. Gosh! "The Coffin" is such a lousily written show (apparently, very little people understood the storyline even after the show ended). Squandered a lot of time in vivo city and plaza singapura. Well, at least I've got a new earpiece for my beloved phone! The route to Yishun after that was truely memorable. At least, it happened in the end. Well, not totally. Your melodious words sang in my ears and I love it just the way it was. Your shoulders as comfortable, and your hands as warm. You're the one I am able to seek comfort from. No doubt about that. Nevertheless, teasing you still brings me great joy in my darkest times (I'm so sorry but please don't kill me or I might gain the upper hand again!) Anyway, Thanks A LOT for today, sweetheart. =) Oh, and get well soon! *toldcha that you'll fall ill without me by your side. =p Tuesday, November 11, 200810:57 PM .jpg) There's nothing I could say; there's nothing I could do.What does everyone around me have against me? Can I ever be understood? Can I ever be cared for? May silence not be my answer to life. Can I quit acting with the rest? Can I have a space of my own? Just why can't they comprehend the complications within me? No, they can't. No one ever will. A taming game I don't wanna be stuck in. Forgive me for not being able to accept things that I can't see. But you need not reprimand me for my "stupidity". An answer would be given with simple rationalizations. You made thoughts of escape filled my head. - Just what's holding me back in hell! What's with me? What's with my life?! Is life meant to be a journey to hell - a waste of time? If it is, then tell me why am I here in the very first place. Cos' this is never where I belong. Sunday, November 9, 2008 |