 Currently 16 going 17 July 11th, 1992 TPJCian Ex-Queenstownian Ex-Fairsian Elemental Muse
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11:10 PM "you have to pay to work in our company..." I'm not saying what's it. And I think I'd rather work odd jobs if that's the case... Now that's only for my vacation. =) I was waiting for someone around City Hall just now. So I dropped by the Church, hoping for a cosy little area to indulge myself in my world of 666... And then I came across a statement... "...First it was the liberal Churches. Then it was the evangelicals watering down the Gospel with their introduction of the beat Gospel music...the Christian Rock groups...the relevant Christianity that played down the prophetic Word of God...stressed only the need for social concern. Now I saw how subtly the forces of evil had worked to turn the zealousness of the Church away from the winning souls towards a more material, business-like type of Christianity" - 666, by Salem Kirban
Yes. It may be a book written by someone who's trying to interpret the book of Revelation in the context of the World today. I know how close the Armageddon may be. But this quote struck me. I guess this may be the root to my disbelief. Or rather, the refusal to my acceptance of faith. 3 words: I don't know. But what I do know is... I have got to do something; soon. Tuesday, December 30, 20081:23 PM She held my hand...
And I felt nothing at all. And no. She isn't you-know-who. I don't like her at all. Monday, December 29, 20082:41 AM and then, I left the stage. Glad? Upset? I don't know. ...and everything was over,
faster than a blink of an eye. all the hard works - gone in just a few seconds... My heart throbbing in my chest. I musn't be distracted by any emotional hindrance on stage! But then again. That message. That very message! That freaking message of hers. Get it out! Something will go wrong. Something will. Something will once I'm up there... And yes. There's a technical flinch as expected. Then again, I recalled... "Do you believe in feelings? Well... I always do, and they are quite accurate! Trust it. It'll do you good." - says J. Why must I trust something that failed me all the time?! But am I wrong again? Look at what happened on stage just last evening?! Must I trust that sound and do accordingly? Must I heed advices from around, and taking it as advices from above? There was a story that goes like this... A few traders were travelling through a desert. A sound came to them and told them to pick up some sand and place them in their pockets and then to carry on on their journey. They found it a chore, but they trusted the voice, so they took a little. The voice then said, "very well, since you've obeyed me, you'll find yourselves glad and sorry by the next sunrise." Puzzled, they moved on. The next Morning, the traders checked their pocket and found that the sand have all transformed into diamonds and crystals and all other forms of jewels. They were both glad and sorry. Glad - that they have gained something. Sorry - for not taking more. So, do I heed what the voices say? Do I heed the suggestions of those around me? What if they contradicts each other? Its a 50 / 50 gamble. The risk's big. What can I say? Like the traders. It may be a chore; having to face the challenges brought by the consequence of a failure attempt in a hectic college life. But, also like the traders. I may find it a blessing, to gain what I have always wanted, a shoulder to cry on that never leaves (as analogized by jewels). Do I seek every possible opportunities I have in mind now? Or do I let it slip off my limited grip, thinking that I have still got plenty of time? After all, I'm still quite young compared to a middle-aged person. Talking about the Armageddon... I seriously doubt that my visions are to come true. Or rather, I doubt I'd even be able to see that. But whatever it may be, I quote, "there's absolutely no time left..." Failing bodily systems have made me seriously weak over the ages. The will to consult a doctor grew though I still depend solely on high dosages of pills that I suppose are vitamins, daily. That's honestly, freakishly terrible. My right ear's bursting; my vision's going on and off; my stamina's deteriorating; my head throbs with anger for stress relief; and my muscles sprain at the tiniest movement I ever made. I've even lost the ability to even seat straight for an hour, let alone standing... And now, I see this chance. Friends told me when to execute it. Voices told me that too. I shall trust it again. And if I were to fail, I'm prepared for the worst. It's CHRISTmas-Eve. =) Wednesday, December 24, 20089:48 PM What happens if your past nightmares appeared in a book? What if your worst fears were narrated as a story? What will you do if the thing that has been traumatising you for ages reappeared in a novel?? Its a mere first 2 chapters of the 13-chapters-long novel about revelation and I'm starting to worry. Everything's just... too real. So... "Why haven't you accept Christ as your personal saviour?!" Yeah. I can't. I JUST CAN'T. I don't know why. There's just something there! What's that? Nothing? or Unseen? I want to. Then something's there. What's there I can't see. I can't go against it! I SIMPLY CAN'T! Close encounter with him; news telecast with him; the Rapture; the Armageddon; the war against Israel, etc. I'm painting the silhouettes of doom in my head... AND I DON'T LIKE IT! will I ever be left behind?
Monday, December 22, 20088:23 PM Tell you what.
I HATE INTERNATIONAL PLAZA!! Oh. And Metro (Offices, in Taka.) Okay. That's beside the point. I had a weird night last night. Urgh! I dreamt that I got back my O level results and it was crap! B3 for Chinese, A2 for sciences, C5 for additional math, A2 for E math, C6 for English... What's more... MUSIC AND DNT DIDN'T APPEAR ON MY CERT!!! It was SO TERRIBLE!! I was crying till I bled. D: Then everyone was getting their As and... GOSH! I FLUNKED, LIKE EVERYTHING?! And guess what. I can't get into a JC. I CAN'T EVEN ENTER A DECENT POLY COURSE!! Everything was shattered. Then it was Chinese new year... Everyone was happy. Chatting, and sharing about the year and all... And all of a sudden, they asked for my O level results. And I had NO WHERE to hide myself man. It was... Embarrassing! Dx I don't wanna get back my results... D: Thursday, December 18, 20083:52 AM  An empty place; empty house. I'm here alone; with a shattered puzzle. Mind taxing, demanding; I need to piece it up. Either side, both good and bad, seeks my attention; want me there. Sandwiched between them, alone and in pain. But no one ever cares. Useless helps; false prophets. Attempting to brainwash all that were there?! Oh c'mon. Get outta my life. - I don't want them there. I want attention; I want love. I want never-failing care, and a warmth pretty smile. You materialistic girl. The one who hated me. You were placed in my life; now I know why. The buzz of the urban life; the cries of the stressed up people, Annoying my delicate senses; takes them away. I need a listening ear. Will you lend me one? Faith as fiction and science as facts. Can't I accept both together?! "Man can only have one master." Stop it and I just wanna be myself. But I need attention; I need love. I need never-failing care, and a warmth pretty smile. You materialistic girl. The one who hated me. Will you be with me, through my toughest times? Wednesday, December 17, 20085:35 PM  Yes! My mind's blank. And I so felt like blogging. Sometimes, I just don't understand myself. That uncontrollable urge to do things when I'm just not supposed / suitable to do so. And yes. I shall write with absolutely no motive. For no reason I shall continue. Read on if you want to. I have no rights to ever stop you. Okay. A tiring week had just passed. An even more torturing week ahead. Mime, work, piano, social. Crap. I think this is worse than O levels. I'd rather stare at those lifeless books, hoping to absorb enough "words" to, yeah, live on?! Was discussing about promotions with my piano teacher and guess what. I quote: "You only need ANY 2 A level PASSES to enter ANY University course." Bloody hell right. I have no comments, seriously. But I'd rather be safe than sorry. I shall research for Uni courses entry requirements... After new year. =) I was caught for slacking in basement 2 and not attending the weekly Sunday school. Oh right. And Weifang lao3 shi1 actually knew EVERYTHING. I swear that I didn't tell anyone about anything! Okay. As for why I skip, don't ask me because I won't tell. Unless you're really somebody to me. I know that I shouldn't be doing this. Drowning myself in the depths of fantasy. Dreaming seems to be a thing of the past... But I want to venture into oblivion. I want to be in a state where I can be alone, where I can indulge in the comfort of your touch; your love. And then again, I knew that I'm only riding my magic carpet; the one that will take me far and wide, to a place where no one knew, to a place where I can be with you. Absurd as it may be, I know I wouldn't attain your love. The picturesque image appeared yet again in my mind. Yes, I can't let you go. No, I may never be able to do so. And I'm on the hedge, like I always am. Not ready to cross over. The two sides ever so appealing. Science as facts and faith as fiction. Crazy ideas filled my mind. And yes, if I have the capital, I will execute them all. Ludicrous connections made logical in my mind. The prophecies of Revelation are drawing closer by the minute. Why am I not able to live life casually as I was just a few years back. Visions of the left behind came and go. I see the skies turning dark. I stood as the ground tremble in fear for the crushing universe. I don't want to know so much! Thank you for bearing with my randomness. Say its crap. Say its nonsense. Say its just another of my post. Read it again if you don't understand. Frankly, I think that "the philosophy of man" is a subject that I should be entertaining. Sunday, December 14, 200812:03 AM 
Lyrics: http://www.xs4all.nl/~josvg/cits/sb/othercds/thinkofme.html Wednesday, December 10, 2008ISA TSD Practical MYE Assessment'o9 TPJChoir
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